


Nose Implants Just Have That Richer Feel

by MyOwnSuperintendent



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:58:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11203743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnSuperintendent/pseuds/MyOwnSuperintendent
Summary: Some aliens are perfectly content using neck implants, but some are nostalgic for the past.





	Nose Implants Just Have That Richer Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by a conversation with a friend, concerning why the X-Files pilot features nose implants while all the others feature neck implants and whether nose implants are to neck implants as vinyl is to CDs.
> 
> I don't own The X-Files or anything related to it. Hope you enjoy!

“Are you putting a nose implant in that man?”

“Yes.  Do you have a problem with that?”

“Not a problem, per se.  I was just wondering if you were aware that we’re not living in 3702.”

“You know what?  Nose implants are just better.  If you ever tried using them, you would know that.”

“Better in what way?”

“They send a richer signal than neck implants.  The humans really feel it when we call them back.  That rich, rich signal.”

“You mean they feel it in their noses?”

“I mean everywhere.”

“If you say so.  I didn’t even know these ships had the technology for nose implants anymore.”

“They don’t, usually.  I installed it.”

“Are you kidding me?  We’re supposed to be experimenting on humans here.  And you’re wasting time and resources installing nose implant technology just because you think they send a richer signal.”

“I don’t think that: I know it.  There’s a rich feel to nose implants that you don’t get with neck implants.”

“But what difference does it make how rich the feel is?”

“How can you even ask me that?”

“I’m serious.  A signal is a signal.  So long as they get called back when we need them to, the implant is doing its job.  Why you want to use a significantly bulkier and more inconvenient technology to do that job is beyond me.”

“You can think strictly about the practical side if you want to.  I’m just saying, if we don’t give a little consideration to aesthetics a lot of the joy is going to be gone from abducting humans someday.”

“I don’t think so.  I like neck implants.”

“How can you like them?  They’re just a distilled version of the genuine article.  And it’s not going to stop there.  On some of those newer ships, they’re not even using any kind of implants anymore.”

“Oh, yeah, I heard about that.  Just a generalized signal, right?  Something about the frequency of the human brain?”

“Exactly.  And do you think that’s a good thing?”

“Well…I have mixed feelings.  I know it’s more convenient.  And cheaper.  But like I said, I like neck implants.  We grew up inserting them, you know?  They remind me of my childhood.”

“Well, that’s the march of technology for you, my friend.  Maybe think about that before you go criticizing nose implants again.  We let things go on like this and it’s all going to become too impersonal.”

“Oh, stop talking like you’re 475.  You grew up with neck implants too.”

“I have an appreciation for our rich cultural history.”

“Can we just put the implant in and dump this man somewhere?”

“That’s what I was doing when you started criticizing me.  You’re going to see how much better this is.  You’re going to thank me for it.”

“That is not going to happen.”

“Fine, go on ignoring the benefits of nose implants.  But you’re going to regret it when we don’t have implants anymore.  You’d better not come crying to me when all the signals are out in the Oort Cloud!”


End file.
